Everyday Mom

I wish I could put into words for you how I’m feeling these days as I sit helplessly watching as my father fights cancer.  Oh, he has good days in with the bad, but it seems like no matter how much I want him to be feeling better, even better isn’t as good as it used to be.  He’s ever so slowly going down hill. 

Over the holiday weekend, we gathered at his house for a cook out.  He planned the whole thing because he wanted to get us all together for  a day of fun.  To plan a family gathering is very rare for my dad.  I was happy to have an opportunity to offer him great memories of all of us together but sad to know that his motivation was to make sure that he enjoyed us as much as possible before he no longer can.  He called a couple of weeks ago to request that we make the 2 hour trip to his house on Sunday, July 6th to share some time in the shade with some good food and a cold drink.  He bought squirt guns and bubbles for the kids and had all of the food prepared.  He didn’t even want us to bring a covered dish.  Of course, I did anyway!  I made Banana Pudding.  He loves the flavor and the texture would be easy for him to swallow. 

When we arrived at his house, he was in the swing on the front porch.  It was wonderful to hear my children’s excitement that grandpa was up and moving around.  All of the excitement was short lived though because when we saw him up close, we were all heartbroken.  Nobody said a word about how he looked, but I knew from their immediate reactions that all of us felt the same.  He didn’t look like himself at all.  His hands were bruised and frail.  His face was so puffy and swollen as were his feet and hands.  He was holding a cane and could barely move from the spot he was in.  It really took everything in me to not react with sadness and tears.  The kids hugged him and engaged him in the normal chit chat about their lives.  His voice was strong, and he sounded like Daddy.  I’m assuming that is what kept the kids from saying anything about his appearance.  At least he still sounded like Grandpa.

He was enjoying the afternoon and seemed determined to host us instead of having us wait on him hand and foot, but he just wasn’t strong enough to do it all.  Just before it was time to eat, he went in the house to take baked beans out of the oven.  The pan was too heavy for him, and he spilled it in the oven.  In an attempt to save the pan and the beans, he lost his balance and fell to the floor cutting his hand open and hitting his head on the kitchen cabinets.  My heart broke for him because he was so embarrassed.  While my stepmother and my aunt cleaned up the beans, I took care of Daddy’s hand and made him sit down with an ice pack on his head.  He insisted that he was okay, but I was so scared. 

The afternoon carried on and all was fine.  We had burgers and hot dogs with all the fixin’s.  The kids played while Daddy watched and tried to stay cool.  A squirt gun fight turned into a garden hose fight, and before it was over, all of the kids needed a change of clothes.  My sister took lots of pictures and even got the kids on video squirting Daddy.  It was fun even though we were all quietly crying inside. 

After clean up, we gathered our things to make the trip back home.  I haven’t really been the same since.  I know you are supposed to remain positive and fight the good fight.  I fully believe that our God is an Awesome God and can do all things.  I know that my Daddy isn’t gone yet and still has a lot of life left in him.  However, it is just becoming too real that he’s dying.  I told my husband that if he makes it to Christmas, it could very possibly be his last.  That makes me so sad.  There won’t be enough tears in a good cry to get over the loss of my Dad.  I need to stop mourning and start celebrating, but it really is easier said than done. 

He starts round three of a series of twelve chemo treatments today.  He has such a long way to go.  I hope his body carries him through.  Say a prayer for my Dad.  Say a prayer for everyone fighting cancer.  Say a prayer for the families who quietly watch helpless to change the situation.  Say a prayer for the doctors who are working hard to advance the treatment of cancer and other diseases.  Most importantly, say a prayer for yourself and your loved ones that you might do the things you need to do to take of your bodies.  I for one know it isn’t always easy, but it is so important.