Everyday Mom

Ah Sibling rivalry, it’s the fight that dates back to the beginning of time.  Remember Cain and Abel?  My children are driving me insane with the whole thing.  Not a day goes by that they aren’t fighting over something.  They fight over who has the bigger bedroom, the best friends, the better grades, and the list goes on.   Everyday I have to listen to “He is singing too loud!”  “She won’t stay out of my room!”  He ate all of my candy!”  “She always gets to have friends over!”  There is definitely a war going on, and a battle could erupt at any moment.

 The thing that puzzles me parenting through this issue is that I don’t recall fighting all that much with my own siblings.  I am the oldest of three.  I have a sister who is 6 years younger than me and a brother who is 6 years younger than her.  Maybe we didn’t fight because we were too far apart in age or maybe our lifestyle was different when we were younger.  I don’t have much to go on from my past, but nonetheless, I think I’ve figured out a few things on my own that might help some of you get through this fighting phase.

1.  My kids are different.  They have different personalities, different interests, and different skills.  Why then do I parent them the same?  If they are different, then they probably need to be raised differently.  I don’t mean to say that there should be different house rules or life values for each.  What I mean is that if I am going to successfully parent them, I need to work within their individual framework.  For example, my son tends to be the more logical thinker while my daughter is more of an emotional thinker.  Their responses to different situations, however, are completely the opposite.  My son generally responds emotionally, and my daughter acts like the stone-faced logic.  Why is that?  I have no idea, but I do know that when talking through a situation with my son, I have to get him through it with logic, you know, the how and why.  For my daughter it’s different.  If I want a positive response from her, I have to appeal to her softer side and not start the conversation with any sort of logical review of the situation.  She needs to be pampered and softened up.  When she allows her emotional personality to surface, then I can go over the logic in the situation and help her see what needs to happen to reach resolution.  I’m breaking the old parenting mold and making two new ones.  Because two is what I need to fit two different kids.

2.  Kids need to know that you love them equally and value their differences.  The first mistake I am often guilty of when my children are fighting is to choose a side.  It is all downhill from there!  The fight takes an ugly turn, and it is often now directed at me–help!  I want my children to grow up happy and confident.  By showing favoritism, they will begin to question their self worth, and that is certainly not going to help them in the big bad world that I’m trying to prepare them for.  Taking sides creates an atmosphere of competition and is the polar opposite of what I’m trying to accomplish.  If they are both participating in the fight, then it is most likely that both are doing something wrong regardless of “who started it.”

3.  Kids need choices.  They need to be held accountable for their actions, and they need to learn how to make good decisions.  In the middle of a fight with a sibling is a great opportunity to teach this skill and will quickly help to resolve issues.  I need to empower my children to control their own behavior and own their actions and reactions.  Don’t get me wrong, “Because I said so!”  is a valid parenting tool, but make sure that you are using it appropriately and in situations where there are no other options.

4.  Kids need to be trusted.  I’m trying to be proactive when the kids aren’t fighting with eachother to teach them how to compromise and resolve conflict on their own.  Realistically, conflict is not something that I want my children to run from or avoid, but it is something that I want them to confidently get through on their own.  They shouldn’t always need me to help them through.  It’s hard to walk out of the room and trust them to work it out, but it is sometimes necessary.

5.  Spend time with your kids individually.  They need one on one time.  They need to be heard and understood and loved.  The best way to get their cooperation is to let them know that you value them.  This is a big one!  I am slowly trying to make sure that family time strikes a healthy balance with one on one time for all of us i.e. mother/daughter time, father/son time, mother/father time, etc.

 Children are a blessing and a miracle.  They have been given to us to raise and send out into the world.  I remind myself often that my job is to raise well rounded, responsible, kind and loving ADULTS.  I want them to be successful in school, at work, in love, but mostly at life in general.  They might be babies now, but they will be adults before you know it.  Use this sibling rivalry thing to teach some real life lessons that they can use.  I know that this everyday mom is a parenting work in progress, and I know that I can get through this fighting phase.  I just hope that the gains we make in the war outweigh the losses.  Wish me luck!