Stilettos Did Not Save My Marriage

by Sommer on November 10, 2014

I know, it sounds crazy, right? Stilettos did not save my marriage. In a last-ditch effort to be everything I thought my (then) husband wanted, I bought these crazy high heels, wore super sexy clothes and even agreed to hang out in one of Philadelphia’s hottest bars. For those that know me well, go ahead and laugh at the mental picture, it’s okay, it makes me laugh too. That night will live in infamy as one of the worst dates ever and these shoes a reminder of a time I never want to forget.

There is so much marriage advice out there in books, articles, websites, seminars, church, friends, and neighbors. As my marriage was crumbling, and even years before, I read over and over again a long list of things to do to save my marriage and now every time I hear that advice it makes me want to scream.

Dost Siteler : kadin ve saglikyemek tarifleri

Have you ever attempted to bake bread with that old yeast packet that’s been in the back on the cupboard for who knows how long, you know the packet that has gotten stuck in the back of the shelf but you thought what the heck? And the bread turned out uneven or didn’t rise? One of your ingredients was bad therefore the bread was bad. If you are having issues in your marriage, you might want to check the ingredients.

It wasn’t until my fourteen year marriage was on its death bed that I realized that our ingredients were bad and yet not once in all of my reading on saving your marriage, affair proofing your marriage, and fixing your marriage did I ever encounter the truth. Most of the marriage advice contained some of these suggestions:

  • Date your spouse, go on more dates, do exciting things.
  • Take care of your outer beauty and don’t “let yourself go.”
  • Focus on your spouse’s love languages.
  • Pray for your spouse.
  • Respect your husband; love your wife.
  • Make love more often.
  • Learn better communication skills.
  • Express your needs; selflessly meet your spouse’s needs.

In other words, focus on your spouse and save your marriage. While these are all wonderful suggestions–dating every week, putting on makeup, buying stilettos, and attending to all of your spouse’s needs—they are band aids to a marriage in crisis. Not only are they band aids, there is some sort of underlying theme of manipulation that says, “If you can be the perfect spouse to your spouse, you can save your marriage.” And oh did I try to be the perfect spouse when things were falling apart. I set up dates, bought new clothes, tossed out my old bath robe, loaded up on marriage books, got us in to couple counseling, and prayed and prayed some more. I plead with God to heal my marriage. At some point after our separation, He answered that prayer and began healing me.

See friends, coming from a Christian perspective, not once in the Bible did Jesus heal a marriage. He always healed individuals. I wanted a mended marriage and what I needed was my own mending. All of the dates in the world will not solve underlying personal issues. I think a lot (not all) of the marriage advice out there is too focused on what to do and not focused enough on who you are. We focus too much on saving the institution and neglect the individuals who make up that union. At the end of the day, you can only save yourself.

If I could go back ten years and give myself some marriage advice, I’d tell myself to loosen your white-knuckle grip on your marriage and learn to be mindful of you. I’d tell myself to stop focusing on trying to meet all of your husband’s needs and learn to meet some of your own. Healthy individuals make a healthy marriage.

If your want to save, fix or affair-proof your marriage, then you may want to skip date night, put on your slippers and take care of one of the most important ingredients in your marriage—you.

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{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Marisa November 24, 2014 at 6:04 pm

Although I am not yet married, I am in a long-term and fully committed relationship where we plan to marry in the next couple years. Him and I come from relationships where there was not always smooth sailing, but in the end we realized that each of us were responsible for getting out of it to focus on ourselves. We happened to cross paths as we were both single and solidified a mending that was already taking place. However, I do worry that there were things we didn’t give each other enough time to heal and that it might affect our marriage. Marriage is such a gamble sometimes, eh? You seem to have a positive attitude about yourself though. That’s always a comforting vibe. Nice article!

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