Well, this journey has ended….I am in remission.  I still can’t believe I can write…say…scream…or cry that word for all to see and hear. 

This type of cancer can come back in the first year to 4 years.  So I will be watched like a hawk.  Actually, my first PETscan will be in February.  I had to laugh over that because I am really not getting much of a break.  But since mine was a hidden tumor, I will have to do what is needed. 

So with all this excitement come some reflections, many thank yous, and planning my new journey and its direction.

However, I am still waiting….for a brand new day to start tomorrow…my new beginning.  I have met the light at the end of the tunnel.

What’s a girl to do?  I am thinking move forward and live.  I will let you know.

I must admit that I like to go to the mall and specialty stores to see what is out there and people watch.  I love to hear the holiday music and see the decorations.  However, over the last couple of years I have done more and more shopping on line and love it, especially with all the great deals and in most cases…earning cash back.  I can shop from the comfort of my own home (even in my PJs), listening to holiday music, and never having to step out in the cold, ice or snow.  I also save money by not using up my gas.

Plus I feel like I have some of the best shoppers out there sharing their finds of great sales and unique and practical ideas for gift giving with me. These shoppers are members of a web site called Sunshine Rewards.  

This year Sunshine Rewards has been doing a countdown for Christmas.  Each day, there is a new contest for everyone who chooses to participate.  The contests have been about wishes, gifts for certain people, and what we have shopped for …just to name a few of the themes.  Each day a winner is chosen for a fun prize. I can’t wait to see what my prize will be as I was one of the lucky winners. 

There have been other contests going on such as finish this sentence, and still going on trivia, and send in your creative Sunshine Rewards Video.  You wouldn’t believe how creative the members are.  They are always surprising me with their talent.
 
If you have a chance to stop by this site…also check out the video blogs. There are many reviews about some of the companies and sites you can shop at and wonderful ideas for the products they offer.  You get a really up close view of many items which is especially helpful when it comes to food items.

 Even though Black Friday and Cyber Monday has come and gone…there are still really great deal, sales, and ideas out there. There are also lots of fun and surprises still happening at Sunshine Rewards for the rest of the month. 
 
Check out it out….Sunshine Rewards for your holiday shopping, earning cash back and lots of fun!  

I am thankful for still being here…the year has gone by slower than molasses and faster than a car race at times but I am still here…there was a time at the beginning to the year that I did not know if that would be possible or not….

I am thankful for my family, friends, and even strangers that have supported me through the good and the bad times.  Dinners, treats, surprises of comfortable clothing, bracelets, earrings, angels, and even a blue moon have made my days better.  Cheerful cards, emails, phone calls of encouraging and kind words, thoughts, and prayers plus listening ears and eyes have kept me going.

I am thankful for fantastic doctors.  I am so glad that I have been referred to such intelligent and kind doctors.  All the health care people that have been right along my side have made a difference in my battle.  I feel honored that I have people in my life that offer their expertise and at the same time listen to my needs and concerns to help me move forward.

I am thankful that my body is feeling better.  My taste buds and nose are working better so I am able to enjoy food especially treats again.  I can’t believe that I can walk up and down the school hallway and keep up with the classroom line or walk up and down the stairs at home without getting out of breath.  I am enjoying reading, my crafts, and my music again since my senses are not so stressed out.

I am thankful that a new year is just around the corner.  I can look forward to so much like working in my garden, getting involved with art, or just plain feel like laughing again.  I am ready  can keep making new memories and traditions as my darling husband and I  share these holidays and all the days to come with our new grandson.

I am thankful for a successful surgery and great news this past week. 

I am thankful that I am closer to the news of the pathology reports and that I can be still waiting…
 

Today should be the day I would have been leaving the hospital with a pretty good outcome.  I shiver to think of what a longer stay would have meant and the complications there could have been.  But I am home…actually I have been home since late on Friday.  I know!  It wasn’t in the plans!  So here I lay resting and celebrating the day. (It is even a dreary out of control rainy cold day too.)

Friday went really well.  The morning was shaky as my stomach was upset and my mind was going crazy.  But I was packed up and ready to go.  We picked up my sister without a hitch and left for Boston.  I rearrange two bags…one for now and one for later while listening to my IPod.  I didn’t feel like talking. So my hubby and sister talked and ignored me…just what I wanted.  As each exit sign brought us closer I could feel my stomach turn.  The traffic was minimal because we left at 4:30 am we had to be there two hours before my surgery.   My gosh what were they thinking…but my sister said it was better to be the first patient…there would be no waiting.   I remember coming off the exit by the Garden and saying” Go Green! “Thanks for the win!  Yes, they won the night before.  They kept me busy as usual. 

Then we pulled up to the hospital for valet parking.  I thought my legs were not going to let me get through the door.  I ran to the rest room as I did not feel well.  But it passed.  Admitting seemed to take forever as there were many people and we were even early at 5:15 am.  I was the first patient of the day for my doctor. Then it occurred to me that all of these people were the first of the day.  There were a lot of operating rooms.   The waiting was killing me.  Finally someone came for me to go over paperwork and get my fancy name tag.  Then it was back to waiting again.  You never get your seats back either.  You never get settled and comfortable…it was almost like a game…musical chairs.

  It seemed like forever until someone came to take me away and take blood.  I survived that but it was way too early for that.  Then we had to wait to go to get ready for surgery.  It was quite a process.  I remember thinking don’t they know I have surgery soon. I can’t be late. Meanwhile, the same person came back to take more blood because there was a problem.  I did not think that this was a good sign.  I really tried to hold back my tears.

Finally we were called and headed down to the “holding area”.  There was even a line of people there waiting for their spot to get ready for surgery.  It didn’t take too long before I had my place.  Everyone was wonderful who I came in contact with.  After I changed into my fashionable attire for the day my sister did reiki on me.  I found that it really helped me get ready for the IV and the Epidural.  Between the drugs, all my family and people’s support I got to recovery without a hitch.  That had really worried me.

I do remember the kind nurse telling me that all went well but I was not really there yet.  I remember seeing my husband, sister and dad for a few minutes saying it went well.  But it wasn’t until the surgeon came and spoke to me that I truly understood.  He was able to do everything by laparoscopic.  He could not take the entire tumor out because of how it was attached to my bowels.  Since all the biopsies were showing up as noncancerous, he decided to not resection my bowels. I guess it would have been quite a large area.  Guess I am lucky that he is a patient person! He put in metal clips, just in case, for radiation.  We do have to wait for a week or so for the final pathology reports.   I remember trying to decide if I was awake or not.  When he ever said that he was going to let me go home the same day that I believed was too much.  I saw my sister and husband look at each other with tears.  I whispered to my husband as he came close to me.  I wanted to know if I was really awake or still dreaming of good things.  He pinched my arm and laughed softly.  He told me that I was awake.  Then I cried.

It has been a rough couple of days but I know each one will get better.  Flowers and goodies have surprised at the door.  Homemade rolls and pecan rolls from a friend, cards and calls have helped me and my family through.

Now I still wait…for the pathology report.

I am okay with waiting right now, even tough, I hurt.  I am on a high from what we have heard.  But to tell you the truth…deep inside I really feel good…I can’t explain it but I feel like everything is going to be okay.  I am not going to tell my family thought…well maybe not yet.  I don’t want them to be more disappointed if I am wrong. 

So I may be waiting but I am waiting at home.  But what a feeling!  So what’s a girl to do?  Pretty soon I think my answer will always be waiting!  Oh and………..hope!

I have so much fun spending time with her.  So my hair consult went well.  She said that my hair was growing in really well and healthy.  She couldn’t believe how much hair I already had.  So she trimmed it up so it will grow longer at least with some shape.  There were so many different lengths.  I am not going to color it yet until I know I am done with any treatments.  She said my new color of salt and pepper looks good, but agreed with me that a color wouldn’t wash me out like the new color does. (My daughter wants me to keep it.) 

The issue now is I really do love her stylist. My hair stylist is very nice but I feel she is not as sassy or modern.  I would love to stay with her; however it is 1 hour away.  It will always have to be planned out.  Plus, after not having to buy shampoo, any hair product or pay for any hair cuts or colors for quite a while, it is amazing to look back and notice how much money that I didn’t pay out.  Well if I am going to pay out money, I guess it should be for exactly what I want and I should love it.  Right?  Hey, I might be a grandmother, but I am still very young and I feel even though I am traditional, a little old fashion there is that flair of craziness, up to date/modern and uniqueness I hope that still shines through.

Well, I love my new do …it is funny to imagine that growing hair is another step to find the old me and the new me.  What’s a girl to do?

I was to arrive on Saturday.  It felt like I flew long the highways as I anticipated all the fun that awaited me.  I made it to their house in record time. 

The three of us had so much fun together.  As soon as he heard my voice and saw me, a smile was beaming on his face. I really got to hang out with Benjamin a lot as my daughter wanted to get caught up on some housework and things. 

We took him out shopping for diapers and wipes.  She helped me pick out the car seat for my SUV.  Now I am all set when I want to take him out.
When he was sleeping my daughter and I spent some quality time talking and talking about everything.  I really needed that.  She made a wonderful supper for us and we had time to eat it.

Most of the time was spent with our cutie pie.  I enjoyed singing songs, reading books, swinging around, bouncing up and down, feeding and even settling down the crying baby.  I loved listening to him cooing with all his stories and watching him kick his legs and swing his arms as he played.  We laughed a lot as we watched him being funny.  It is funny how your eyes can’t help watching a baby.

My daughter did one night feeding and I did the other.  I was glad that I was able to help out and allow her to get a little of some much needed sleep.  It really brought back memories of my two daughters when they were babies.

I am so glad that I am able to help out when needed.  I feel like I was able to get a lot of special time in and hopefully stored it for later when I won’t be able to for a bit.  It saddens me to think that I won’t be able to pick him up for a bit soon.

It was hard to leave on Sunday but I know that many more fun days are just waiting to come. 

Grand Pup and I had so much fun spending precious time with our grandson. We got to feed and diaper him. I read to him some special books. We played together during tummy time. I love watching my husband holding him and hanging out with him. I think the best part for me was him and I snuggling together and talking to him until he fell asleep. I remember asking myself why I would want to move him and wake him up, so he slept in my arms. I figured it was his way to make his Grandy rest too. (Good excuse huh?)

 I am looking forward to many more days and or nights like this. It is going to be so much fun being a part of his life and watching him grow up. Making memories is so much fun and so special to me.   I am living.

Today I went for some blood work because I have been swelling up lately.  This is a brand new issue as I have never had a swelling problem before.  My oncologist wants to check some things out before next week.  Hopefully, nothing else will creep up.

This will be my last full week at school except I do have off tomorrow.  The following week will be choppy because Tuesday I need to go to Boston to see my surgeon and spend the whole afternoon for preop checkups and testing.   My last day will be Wednesday for at least 4 weeks.  I know I am going to have a difficult time getting through the week.
I am very anxious now about the whole deal.  I might be out before Thanksgiving or not until after the holiday.  I feel there are too many unknowns until the surgery takes place.  

I finally figured it out that the unknown and waking up alone is my greatest fears.  I know it sounds a little silly or maybe crazy…but it is true. 

Even without much sleep, much anxiety, and lots of fears, I am still hopeful that just maybe this will be my last stop so I will be able to start the New Year on the right foot.  All my fingers are crossed…………

Our family and friends’ carving party was so much fun.  Lots of pumpkin guts, laughs, some tears, and delicious food surrounded us.   So many pumpkins were created that day.

Then on Tuesday, my friend and I had a creative circle for our school.  Usually a bunch of us get together once a month and try to learn new crafts.  Everyone had so much fun last year that they wanted to do it again this year. Again, we had lots of creativity, pumpkin guts and delicious food.  I think the best part was seeing all the children who came to help his or her parents this year.  They really made us smile and laugh. 

One night in between a good friend of mine spent an evening just carving and talking.  It was a great night just to gab about life.  Our children are the same age except for her youngest.  We really got to work and designed some jack-o-lanterns.

We really ran ragged getting all the pumpkins arranged and ready with glasses and candles to be lit on the night before Halloween and Halloween.  It really does take a few of hours to just do that.  The day of Halloween 4 of us worked all day and another friend came after work to finish up the afternoon.  Three other people helped Halloween night with all the props, machines, keeping the pumpkins lit, and talking with visitors. It has been decided that is now takes two whole days to set up and be ready for the two nights.  Thankfully about 10 friends stay at the end and helped clear up everything from the yard and put it in the garage.  We just left the pumpkins out.  I don’t know what we would have done without all that help.

Between phone calls, cards, emails, forum messages and pumpkins sent from friends and on-line friends that are nearby and afar mixed with in person hugs, everyone’s special words helped me get through this memorial.

My family and I are very grateful for all the support and help that we received as we tried to remember Tiffany in a unique way just like the person she was.  She would have loved all the different pumpkins. It is always amazing to me when I look at them that I see many things such as different personalities…the meanings or stories behind them…the fun….happiness and even sadness. I know she would have viewed them as I do every year.   Art was something we shared.

 I want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart who let me share this process with them. 

Now to get through Thanksgiving …the holidays…her birthday…this time of the year is so hard but it is so good to know that there are good people out there to help out…even if it is only just to listen.